The School Run

It is the first day back at school, and everything is back to normal. Mumsnet is overrun with newbie Mums, and not so newbie Mums for that matter, all in a flap about what to wear to school. No, not what their kids should be wearing, but what they should be wearing themselves.

For a maiden school run, perhaps this makes sense. Whether we are talking about child number one or child number four, the first day of school for junior marks a rite of passage. We're not talking kindergarten, here. We're talking real school. One with grades. The first day of school marks survival, for one thing. Your survival. Remember that day at the hospital when a nurse thrust the bundle in your arms and said "Here, you have it. Now get out of here." I do. Twice, in my case. What to do? Sure, Dad had fiddled with the baby seat, and sure he said he had it down cold, but today is T PLUS, not T minus, AND counting, Dad is all thumbs with the baby seat and next thing you're headed down the Atlanta highway with your jukebox money in a car that's as big as a whale, looking for that love getaway. That's right. The love shack, where there's glitter on the mattress, glitter on the front porch, and more, so much more, if big sister and or big brother have had the house to themselves for more than a day!

That's right. You survived all those years, and hopefully your kid outgrew nappies or diapers long enough ago that you cannot even remember how to change one. Hopefully. Apparently, the latest evolution of nappies is just so, well, disposably convenient that I have heard claims that more kids wear nappies longer now. When nappies are so convenient and disposable, why bother with potty training? Maybe there is a lesson for us all!

I digress. The first day at school IS important. Time to scope out all the other parents who you are going to be stuck with for the next decade, unless relocation is on the cards. Like it or not, these are the people whose kids are going to be partying with yours. In their house. In your house. This time, you don't pick your friends, your kids do. Unless.. Unless you engineer one or two "chance" social liaisons that help point junior in the right direction. Maybe. It is worth a shot. All of a sudden looks count, not because you want a new mating partner, but because you could be partying with this lot for some time to come. One wrong step and...

What to wear? Too dolled up - that's no good. Looks like you have too much time on your hands. Not dolled up enough - hmmm, I am all for honesty, but you never know who you might meet in the playground. There are the safe options, of course - jodhpurs and muddy riding boots will keep you in with the county set and it will snag some wandering eyes, too. Today, the UK national newspaper The Daily Mail says whatever you do, don't wear maternity clothes, your partner's clothes (like rugby shirts/sweaters), tracksuits, shoes by Ecco, anything that is too tight, odd socks, and lastly, but in case it is not obvious, yesterday's clothes.

So there we have it. But.... maybe not. What about that breed apart - the single Dad with custody? Hmm. What about that type, anyhow? What does he wear? How do you fit one of these loose cannons into the frame? Well, he got custody, so he might not be too dumb. The kids live at home with him, so there goes the prospect of undivided attention. But maybe some of these Dads need looking at a little more closely. They don't do many coffee mornings, they don't have time to catch much sport on TV, and they seem to look after themselves. They work and (sort of) get the housework done. They don't complain. They just get it done, and they listen, before they disappear into the ether until it is time to pick the kids up. They listen because the hardest lesson anyone has to learn the hard way is that, and I say this without any personal regrets at all, you don't know what you've lost until you lose it. Sometimes, it is a lesson worth learning.

What do this mysterious breed do in between? Do they worry what to wear when school finishes?

What about those guys, anyhow? Well, let me tell you. You won't find me on Mumsnet. Too busy for that. I won't answer for the rest of my breed either. No, when I get ready for the school run in September, I stick with either the "Classic" or the "X" Jock by Priappe. But never in white. For one thing, once a martial artist, always a martial artist. It is a lifestyle thing. Second, no panty lines. Apart from that, if you care to know what I wear, just ask, and you shall receive.